"Sticks and Stones"

     I’m turning 30 this month, in 19 days to be exact!  The big 3-0. Wow!  Is this really happening? Am I really THAT old? How can that be… yesterday I was 21!  As you can see, I’m not handling this new chapter of my life all that well.  I’ve been wrestling a lot with this growing up thing, and what it truly means to be 30.  Uh oh, can anyone say "early mid-life crisis"?  I’ve been examining the first 30 years of my life, analyzing details of both my successes and failures, and reflecting on lessons I have learned along the way like, don’t try to climb on a bar stool with roller blades on (ER visit), pees don’t belong up your nose (tweezers to the rescue), the cupboards above your sister’s bed are not the best hiding place, (while ideal, you’ll get stuck every time), and my words matter!

     You know that old saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!”… Welp, I’m calling it…. B.S.!  I’m convinced who ever coined this phrase was either the one throwing the sticks and stones or they had just discovered the magical staying power of rhyming words. I am a kindergarten teacher; I enjoy a good rhyme just like the next person, but I am pretty sure the saying should go something more like this: “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can shatter souls.” 

     In the midst of my “oh no, I’m turning 30” reflection I decided to journal moments that had had a profound impact on my life, altering the steps I took along the way.  Many of these memories were anchored in someone’s words.  WORDS!  Someone’s words changed the way I viewed and/or lived my life.  WOW!  God has placed many people in my life who have been there to speak truth and love into my life, and I am so incredibly grateful.  Receiving a compliment or an encouraging word can fill a person up and make them feel wonderful inside.  But, “it takes 1000 compliments to build a person up and only one harsh word to bring them crashing down.”  It wasn’t one word; it was actually twelve, strung together in one of the most painful sentences that would ever be shot my way. 

     I was in 8^th grade and He was in 10^th.  Yes… these twelve words came from a boy.  It always involves a boy.  I had known_______ (I need a fake name... um, Blake, sure… Blake works).  I had known Blake since I was probably six years old.  He was one of my friend’s older, and of course cuter brother.  As all girls do, I developed a cute little crush, and over time it became pretty consuming.  It was a text book crush – I pretended to like certain things that he liked, I asked to go to my friends house all the time in hopes of seeing him, doodled his name, etc. (I literally want to barf right now).  I used to dream that one day I would get to dance with him and we would dance to none other than “God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You” by N*Sync.  Yup, you read that right… magical, I know! (Cue more puking)  All I needed to do was tell him how I felt.  However, I certainly wasn’t going to do that in person.  What kind of crazy people do that?!

      Letters- teenage gold!  So I sat down and shamelessly proclaimed my love to Blake in a letter.  I think even quoted Brandy’s 1998 hit “Have You Ever” in that letter…. Okay! Okay! I KNOW I did!  Is anyone else’s barf bag overflowing yet?  Well, the letter was finished, and I was so nervous to give it to him.  It was the first time I was laying my fragile little heart on the line.  So I did what any normal, rational teenage girl would do (wait, has any of this been rational?) – I gave it to his sister to deliver!   After a couple of days and a few anxious moments, I asked her what happened.  She told me that he had read the letter and said….

Wait for it… 

Here come those twelve words! WARNING! Put up your shields and strap on your Kevlar vests…

 It turns out that Blake had this to say;

 “You are too manly and too ugly for anyone to ever love!” 

Yup, you read that right.  I, Tiffany, little innocent 8^th grader was shot down with twelve carelessly woven together words by a boy.  Turns out I forgot my Kevlar vest that day.  I can still feel the wind being knocked out of me as the desire to shrink and hide consumed me.   I am sure that those words would crush anyone, but it was particularly hard for me to swallow because those were things I already secretly thought about myself.   I had already developed self esteem issues with my athleticism, my strength, and my looks.  Where being good at sports once was cool, in Junior High, it was quickly becoming more appealing to be “pretty” and “girly” and that wasn’t me.   Someone who I thought I loved (as much as you can love someone in junior high) had just used the very things I hated about myself as reasons not to be with me.  That must mean they were true, right?  To quote one of my favorite movies…“the bad stuff is easier to believe.”

     Those twelve words anchored themselves deep in my identity had have left a lasting imprint on my heart. Those twelve words altered the path of my life and the way I would see myself onward.  I never thought I was good enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough to have a boyfriend through high school and even in college. If Blake thought those things about me, then surly all guys were going to see the same thing.  Out of my shear fear of being so forcefully rejected again, it wasn't till College that I even attempted to tell another guy how I felt, and well let's just say that didn't end all that well either.  Sure, there were times in my life where I thought I had shaken the words off, but turns out that wasn’t the case.   Looking back now… I feel pathetic.  How did I let these twelve words gain such control of my life? 

    The big 3-0, its out there... its coming.  In my 30th year, I am choosing GRACE.  Grace for Blake, and more importantly, grace for myself.  "Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got."  It's time to drop those twelve words, words that I had made my own, at the foot of the cross.  I am choosing not to define myself by those twelve words but to define my self by a new set of words, six to be exact - "I am a child of God!" John 1:12.  I now try to remember that I am his beloved daughter, created to do great things, created to bring him honor, created to love and be loved.  I am holding on to the the truth that "I am a treasure in the arms of Christ." 
     So why share this deeply personal story? Not sure, maybe I'm crazy.  Maybe I can share in the lessons I have learned, like never quote 90s music in a love letter, and if you do, include a barf bag!  But in all seriousness, maybe my words will help a young girl struggling with the haunting words of others. Maybe this will serve as a warning to boys to be cautious of what they say to the girls around them.  Or maybe I just needed a therapeutic outlet to really face this moment in my life. Please know that this is not meant to be an attack on Blake, but more an attack on words.  We both were young, and I'm sure if he had really thought about it, he wouldn't have said what he did. He is still a good person!  This was meant to shed light on whatever it sheds light on for you!
     God has given me the incredible gift of being a Kindergarten teacher.  I love my kids with all of my heart and if they learn anything in their time with me, I hope they learn that their words matter and they are loved so unconditionally by a God who thinks they are the most amazing thing he has ever created!  Your words matter; my words matter!  Sticks and stones do hurt, but words have so much more power.  Be conscious and purposeful in the words that you use today, keeping in mind the lasting effect that they can have on someone.  You never know how long your twelve words might take up residency in someones heart. 

"Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking lies," Psalm 34:13